A couple of weeks ago and six months after moving out of my home of 20 years, I was homesick. Crippling, awake at night, crying, homesick. Feeling sick to my stomach homesick.
What was I really missing though?
The ended marriage, no that is old news.
The family changing forever, yes but families are organic and they do change.
My house? For the last two years I was there it was not a refuge or a place of happiness. It was the site of abandonment and grief and a big mess I was left to clean up. It was hard work and pressure and the huge job of making it someone elses'.
Was it the things? No, I threw out or gave away at least two thirds of my possessions and am still culling on a small scale. And the things that matter most came with me.
Trees? I am so fortunate that there are trees and parks right at my door and I can see trees from every window in my new home.
People and place, no. People can be connected with anywhere and the town was not really home any more either.
This puzzled me as I worked through it and the pain and the clutching feeling in the stomach went away. I love my new home, I am so happy back in the city, closer to work, to family. Its a good place for this re-building phase. I open the door when I get home with pleasure. My things are here, they fit, they work, it feels like it all belongs.
I worked it out. It was the birds that tipped me off. There are birds here of course, different ones but lots of them. Even parrots and galahs and sometimes a kookaburra - that made me happy. But they are not talking to me the way the birds did at my old place. And then I got it. This place doesn't know me yet. And that is what I was homesick for I realised. A place that knew me, recognised me, knew my sounds, my scent, my vibration. Knew who I was.
It will come, but it's slow and I am impatient. Yes all those things are true, home is where the heart is, home is where your stuff is, home is where you rest and heal and eat and do all the things we do. Your home can be anywhere at anytime, any place can call to you and feel like home. But until it calls, until it sees you, knows you, you have to wait for that feeling. I am impatient. It will come.